Breastfeeding Dilemma

   

     I always knew that I would breastfeed my babies for as long as I could.  That was the one parenting decision that I was stubborn about.  Aside from the obvious health reasons, breastfeeding is free and convenient...sing me up!  What I didn't know, is how demanding of a job it is.

     C latched on as soon as she was placed on my chest in the delivery room.  It was easy.  Not that I wouldn't have worked my ass of to get her on the boob, but we lucked out and things went smoothly from the start.  I remember thinking to myself, ' I get why moms nurse their toddlers.  This is awesome!'.  That's how much I loved it.

     Little did I know, that three and a half months later and I'd be ready to call it quits.  For the past week, I've been struggling with the decision to switch C over to formula.  I wrote pros and cons lists, researched the shit out of everything and anything, and finally made a decision, then changed my mind again.

     Truth is... breastfeeding was easy.  Losing your freedom for 9 months, and then deciding to continue on with the sacrifice for another year takes way more dedication than I have.  And trust me, I guilt tripped myself to the max, saying things like ' you can't even give your baby one year of your life, when she'll make you happy for the rest of yours', or 'she's grown up so fast already, and now you're going to rush her off the boob, might as well just send her off to college now'.  Yeah...pretty harsh, I know.

    Pretty much, what I wanted was my life back.  I wanted to be able to leave C with Daddy or Nana and be able to go shopping for four hours instead of having to rush back home before my three hour deadline.  I wanted to be able to have a few drinks without having to pump for a day and a half before.  I wanted to be able to take C out for the day and hand her over a bottle (not that I haven't nursed in public, it's just easier to bottle feed).  I wanted my freedom back.

     I started out trying to get C used to a bottle first.  She's one of those babies that refuses a pacifier and is repulsed by anything that isn't my nipple.  It took work, but I began pumping and only bottle feeding her so she would get used to it.

     From there,  I decided to try and strictly pump and bottle feed her.  I pumped every meal, a whole 6 ounces, 4 times a day.  I tried this for a week and then I broke down.  I found that I was constantly hooked up to the pump, and when I wasn't, I was either cleaning pump parts or feeding C her bottles.   I stopped spending quality time, patiently teaching and playing with my little babe because I was so exhausted.  That's when I draw the line.

     I'm not sorry, but anyone who guilt trips someone into breastfeeding regardless of how it's affecting their baby is sick.  I understand that breastfeeding is extremely beneficial for a baby, but it comes at a price.  I'm not willing to shut myself in all day just to pump all of C's meals, to find that we can't even do fun things together.  It's not worth it, if I'm losing precious time with her.

     The new plan on the block is to supplement with formula when I want to.  I love breastfeeding and I'm not 100% ready to give it up.  Reason # one: I love the bond that C and I have and I like being that person for her.  Reason #2, I'm terrified that my boobs are going to shrivel up when my milk goes away.  I already told the hubs that he better start investing some cash into the new boobs for mommy fund.  It's serious stuff.

     So the plan is to nurse her when I can, and supplement with formula whenever I want some freedom, ex. all day shopping spree, movie night with the girls, or consuming way too much wine for the goodness of my pearly whites.

     I tried C on Enfamil A+ today and holy crap, the kid can chug faster than her Momma at our annual Girl's Weekend.  It's like a milkshake for her and she loved it.  She didn't get gassy or crampy, and I could tell she was satisfied.  Success! ...and you better believe I had me some celebratory Kraken.

xo, Kiara